In the garden, work complete for the day but not ready to leave, sitting on the kneeling pad, bare feet in the dirt, pondering control and lack of control.
The bodily autonomy of women and the marginalized, our children’s safety, our mother planet, existing so precariously at the whim of those who want total control as they deem it.
We know there are other ways, alternatives to this cycle of dominance and power we are born into, inhale with our first breath, the beginning of our indoctrination.
Some have left us wisdom, stories, even shown us by example other possibilities.
I like to think of other possibilities, how to subvert control.
Some days, that feels impossible and I sit despondent, weight crushing.
But sometimes I remember resistance, words of collective liberation.
Looking out at clover growing abundant in the part of our yard we’re letting go to meadow, I think of how lovely it can be to let go.
I remember years I’ve spent unraveling my own indoctrination.
And now I breathe deep and look around at the volunteer Black-eyed Susans I couldn’t bear to clear, the goldenrod and late boneset I left growing among the coneflowers, even though this gives my garden a wild, unkempt flair.
I eye the morning glory seedling I did not plant that recently appeared between the rows of straw flowers and decide to leave her alone.
The act of planting what I have is enough control for this space, not everything needs my intervention.
And maybe, somehow, these decisions unravel one more thread of control in the universe.
Scripture tells us that God even gave Mary the choice of whether or not to become the mother of God incarnate, yet men and women under the influence of patriarchy who claim to speak for God believe they know choice better than someone seeking medical care, someone who is pregnant, a couple struggling with a difficult decision– even God Godself.
These patriarchal people are taught to believe the only choices available to anyone should be what they choose for them, because patriarchy is built on control.
Decades of rhetoric have worked to train the reach of their compassion to extend only to certain groups and they have been convinced that there is no place for complexity, no space to hold the fact that multiple things can be true at the same time, no possibility that what they believe best for themselves might be trauma for someone else.
They seem unwilling or unable to see the truth that choice is more than just one thing and what they offer as easy alternatives are, in fact, rarely simple.
Violation is a terrible reality in our world, homes, churches. Medical peril is real. Poverty is trauma. Pregnancy is dangerous. Adoption is a labyrinth. Birth can be death. Sometimes all available options are devastating.
This is not to say there aren’t real moral questions to address regarding choice.
This is not to say there aren’t those who have sincere personal conviction regarding when life begins or what happens in the womb.
Yet too many have allowed the beliefs they chose to be used to secure the power of those who wield their conviction as the means to strip away from the marginalized meger, hard-won rights of autonomy because they have been told it is only the rights of those who agree with them that matter.
Convinced their own rights are absolute even if they infringe on the rights of others, convinced they are the ones persecuted and denied rights because they can’t always impose their choices on others, unable to recognize that with justice further undermined, it could be their choices, their rights, stripped away next.
Even as this seems the inevitable outcome of our current state, I admit I want to hold out hope we can find a way to other possibilities.
In lockdown I wrote thoughts until they became a poem and then another and another and then I remembered I’ve always thought in poetry.
It was Spring and the woods smelled of decaying leaves and honeysuckle blossoms, as if to remind me that a cycle of fading and blooming is the truth of this life and that perhaps it was possible the catastrophic failure of our current systems would bring about the letting go and renewal this world desperately needed.
But time passed and the ship has yet to right itself.
We have lost so many and many communities are worse off now than when pandamonium started and it’s become impossible to ignore that we are in a face-off between those who want a better world and those whose gods are profit and power and the only way anything is going to change for the better is if those of us who can imagine, envision, insist on a way of life together that is not perpetual harm— find each other, work together, and cultivate it.
Those of us who are people of incarnation and resurrection, of compassion and justice, of collective healing and liberation, of knowing there is more to life than chasing accumulation, exploitation, unfair gain.
Even as we’re told to go back to normal and ramp up productivity and pretend we didn’t see behind the curtain, I will keep facing hard truths, questioning narratives, dismantling conditioning, and writing poems.
The morning sun is painting shadows on the living room wall, and I know I need to get up from the couch and start my day, but the house is still and the dogs are quiet, one cozy at my side, and I feel calm.
I know as soon as I stand up I’ll break the morning-light spell and the next time I notice, the sun will be overhead and there will be no mystical, golden-tinged outlines above the fireplace.
Then the furnace kicks on and the other dog begins whining to go outside and it’s time to begin the workday, but my soul is longing for a place with different, slower, unhurried, uninterrupted time.
Far too many are deluded into thinking what ails society is other people’s bodies, abilities, questions, insights, ways of being, if those differ from the accepted reality they’ve acquired from
bad interpretations of their sacred texts, harmful narratives grounded in domination, manipulations of power-hungry pundits, pastors, politicians, public figures.
Walking around believing self-determination when what they have is simply compliance to conditions determined by others, falsehoods masquerading as freedom.
Convinced those simply moving to live authentically, share understanding, advocate for equity, impart hard-won knowledge, are pushing a destructive agenda
when they are the ones with an agenda to withhold access, to exclude, to silence, to control, to harm.
So sure that someone else existing as their true self, with needs met, with celebration, with support, threatens their existence that they want the other to stop existing.
Imaginations impoverished, unable to understand, it is their own prison into which they are wishing to confine the world.
Terrified seeing those living in the clear light of true freedom for all, threatened by radical reimagining, unable or unwilling to believe in compassion, in spaciousness, in love that could also be theirs if they freed themselves as well.