I remember the election cycle
prayer vigils of my youth.
The fasting.
The fear.

Scared people in
church sanctuaries
passing terrified glances
instead of peace,
begging God not to let
destruction fall on the
United States in the form
of a Democrat winning
the Oval Office.

I now know not all churches,
but the ones that formed
my first understandings
had these fears as
blocks in their foundation.

Many cycles later,
I sat in community with dear friends
in a different kind of church
and held space for our own
anxiety and concern.

Not because we
believe one party holds
the key to bring about
the world we want,
but because there is
so much fear,
so much division
so much hate
and we know
there are some trying
fan those flames into
an inferno.

Holding space in silence,
I couldn’t help but think
of all the other people
in all those other churches
still holding their vigils
like a presidential candidate
could take the place of Christ
as their savior.

How can entire churches
praying to the same God
as me be filled with people
praying for such different things
than me?

How are our only choices
a neo-liberal conservative woman
and a fascist man?

How is this
where we are?

How do we stop
looking to political parties
as though they
represent us,
care about us,
can save us?

How do we bring about
anything different from
what we’ve always had
if all we are is afraid?

How do we let go of
the fears ingrained in us
and see with clarity?

How do we remember
that we are not
separate from each other
no matter how much
those in power want us to
behave as though we are?

How can we
find the courage
to be “us” and not
the “me vs. you”
they want to maintain?

How?

Ribbons of sunlight shimmer
through multi-hued leaves
creating enchanted forest 
from unassuming trees.

Attention awakening awe,
conjuring wonder,
revealing reminders: 
the world is full of magic.

Sunlight filtering through trees
will always be more beautiful
than anything money can buy.

Only more trees are dying,
sun scorches,
earth’s systems collapsing

as we sacrifice everything
on the altar of endless consumption
in worship of billionaire gods

telling us to use faster what they
extract from our shared home
while they hoard the blood money.

The world is on fire and drowning
while some people drive more, fly more,
buy more, use more, take more,

get distracted by
deliberate diversions
of those who crave power.

All while the suffering of others increases
each passing year
despite not being to blame.

Yet more of us are menacing,
cloudy sky too near to the ground,
threatening to unleash.

This crisis requires collective action,
to learn to conjure courage,
even if all we feel is rage.

Your heart still beats
the same blood as it did
before you were told to pour her out
in the name of honesty
to people you knew could not
handle the depth of her.

They instructed you to
take up the sword of truth
to carve away what
makes you who you are,
even though you knew that was not
what truth was made for and
all they wanted was conformity.

They tried to teach you to fear
the parts of you that were woven
into your soul by the stars
before you were born,
so you learned to suppress
what you knew in your gut you
could not, would not,
relinquish.

You learned to present tamed-down versions
that kept the damage from cutting too deep.

They thought they could keep you
trapped within walls they made you
build around yourself,
but they didn’t realize you would
look up to the stars,
hear them singing your soul-song back to you,
and feel yourself remembered.

They didn’t realize you knew
the truths you learned to hide from them are wings
and now you know there is no roof
and you can fly.

Growing up I was taught in church
that cursing was unacceptable
so I learned to say
Oh shoot
as an alternate exclamation,
despite that shooting
has much more
potential for destruction
than normal bodily functions.

I also wasn’t allowed
to tell anyone to
Shut up
regardless how harmful their words,
but I learned it was acceptable
to tell people
they were going to go to hell
if they didn’t believe
what I was told
were the right things to believe.

Words
restricted,
replaced,
reformed according to
one set of views with
no room to question external authority
no room to explore,
no room to delve deep to see if there was
ground elsewhere for me to stand on,
grow in, find my footing–
use my own words,
even if they’re shit.

Imposed upon,
recruited into someone else’s army,
fighting someone else’s fight,
when all I needed was
to be left alone long enough
to escape their battle hunger,
to leave their war behind and
find a home in the spaciousness
of belonging to myself.

They say we cannot pour
from an empty cup,
yet these are foisted on us endlessly,
armfuls from external sources
crafted from expectations
for every role.

More emptiness than any one person
could possibly carry,
accompanied by distractions
to keep us questing,
searching for where
so many cups can be filled.

Frantic outward focus,
juggling others’ wants and needs,
ever on the brink of failure,
forgetting we have
a deep, flowing spring within
that must be tended.

Only when we leave the accumulated,
vessels discarded at our feet
and plunge headlong into our own
sacred depths, can we return
with true nourishment to share
from cupped, brimming hands.

I watched clouds surround
the nearly-full Moon

and join to become
a massive dark bird

with one silver eye.
The bird grew heavier

and darker until
the eye closed and

I wondered if clouds
try to shield Moon

from the havoc we’ve wrought
on her tidal-bound sister.

Sitting on my bedroom floor
in nighttime chill,

staring out the window
at a now-dark sky,

I long for more to do than
compose poems about

our shared sadness
and whisper apologies.

Staring at scripture,
feeling connection severed,
words barely resonate,
like fiction written
for another time.

Look around.

Wicked prospering
for centuries,
exploitation, extraction, eradication,
while earth suffers,
gasps for relief,
and the righteous die
of hate crimes,
man-made disasters,
preventable medical crises
untreated due to cost of care.

Faith, some say, should
cause radical transformation,
radical community,
radical love,
but look inside most churches
and find the same hierarchy,
thirst for control,
the same willful disregard
as on the outside,
but with a shiny Christian label,

manipulating people to
believe good works are
donating gifts for the disadvantaged,
giving old clothes to the homeless shelter,
dropping groceries to the food pantry,
patting ourselves on the back
as we drive away

as though congregations
haven’t spent years
elevating people who,
from greed and power,
conjure the conditions for
devastation,
disadvantage,
housing insecurity,
hunger,
from a world of abundance,

selling myths of
irresponsible individuals
and climate change denial,
pointing away,
sleight of hand,
from systems of abuse,
their own wicked policies,
all while claiming virtue

and I want
to scream,
to wail,
to fling my Bible
into the rising ocean,
and sit,
hands to earth,
drinking in deep truths
from mother trees
and non-human animals
and water wisdom
and thin places
and learn an entirely different
way of being.

All I want today is
time to stand,
awestruck,
watching canopy unravel,
flakes of gold
turning to ordinary leaves
then back
to golden shimmers
falling through sunlight.

Time to appreciate
Beech leaves,
sunkissed,
clinging to chlorophyll
long after
sassafras and maple
colorfully carpet
forest floor.

More than anything
I need time unhurried
to untangle
and enable myself,
to wander out
and return by the same path
just to see the light
both ways.

Life already tilting,
then sideways,
questions revealed
through new perspective.

Too much time
viewing everything–
myself–
through the dark glass.

Standing still after nightfall
in attempt to regain footing,
yet moon shadows walk ahead
through sense made of hindsight.

Lenses, narratives, paradigms
fall away, spent petals,
seeing clearly now
through projections.

Giving myself permission
to unfurl hidden wings,
be who I become
through waxing/waning phases.

No one else can
say who I am now–
they’re always naming
through the past.

But I know who I always am:
night sky and moonlight,
steady, yet changing
through the seasons.